Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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