shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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