I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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