The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
