good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
