Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
