fuck your aforementioned shoe
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
