I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
