The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
