Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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