he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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