yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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