get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
