Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
