My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
