my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
