I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
