Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
