Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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