So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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