2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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