and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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