Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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