Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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