yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
