I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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