Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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