quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
