it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
