You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
