just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
