I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
