I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
