1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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