There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
