Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
