I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
