I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
