marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
