When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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