my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
