I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
