hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
