It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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