i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
