a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
third nipple confirmed
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
