his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
