dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
