Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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