Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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