I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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